


my soul, you know it aches for yours

by leviss



Category: Kamisama Hajimemashita | Kamisama Kiss
Genre: A sprinkle of fluff, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bittersweet, Emotional Hurt, F/M, I'm not sorry, a lot of feelings, tomoe is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 06:20:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20616398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviss/pseuds/leviss
Summary: Tomoe spends a week without Nanami when she goes to Izumo.





	my soul, you know it aches for yours

**Author's Note:**

> it is worth stating that i do not know jack shit about what happens in the manga, i've only watched the anime and the ovas and decided that i needed a) a different ending and b) more vulnerable tomoe. i am not sorry and will never be.  
the title comes from the song 'infinity' by jaymes young

The night when Nanami leaves for yet another godly meeting in Izumo, Tomoe locks the door and curls up on her futon.

It smells like her. Like a goddess, like smiling and warmth and affection. The fox spends the night there, and no one ever knows. They’re aware that the price for that knowledge would be very high. So Onikiri and Kotetsu pretend to be very busy with something in the garden or in the kitchen the next morning.

Tomoe’s had a little bit of trouble in Izumo, in those past days. That’s why Nanami travels with both her familiars in turns each year. She says it’s to be fair. Mizuki gives the fox a knowing stare every time he hops on his shikigami to head out.

Tomoe doesn’t mind. It’s just a week, after all. That’s all the peace and quiet he’s gonna get until next year, so he should relax and enjoy his own company. It’s been a few times already, and every single one the girl came back, somehow. (Even that time when he had to fish her out of the underworld, or when she got lost on the way and Tomoe almost broke Mizuki’s neck for it.) She will come back, as always. And if something is wrong, he will know. He always knows.

Tomoe closes his eyes, breathing in the sweet scent, imagining soft hands brushing through his hair. Maybe he should grow it out just so she could comb it for him.

It’s been so long since Mikage. He needs to stop being like this. A long-gone smile flashes before his eyes, and he opens them rapidly. That smile looks wise, omniscient, like the person whose face it appeared on knew exactly what was going in Tomoe’s heart. Knew and still decided to throw him away along with a temple and a crowd of believers.

The fox sits up, sliding long fingers across the edge of the fabric. The pillow is soft (he makes sure that everything Nanami uses is best quality, so yes, of course it is soft; how foolish), decorated in a delicate yet simple manner. Tomoe wonders if they can take care of her as good as him, over there in Izumo. All these gods, haughty and presumptuous, and then her, loving and kind. It’s not a good match. These assholes don’t deserve Nanami. They will surely dump extra work on her just because they can, and that blonde prince charming will probably try to assign her with another pointless quest. Tomoe still hasn’t forgotten that they send her to the fucking _underworld_ the first time she ever showed up.

So, maybe he’s worried. A few years ago, he’d say it’s because Nanami is such an oaf and will get herself killed without him at her side. However, it is no longer the truth. She still needs him, of course. But it’s not like he can’t let her leave the house on her own, not anymore. And besides, she’s with Mizuki, and surrounded by gods, so she should be safe.

On the other hand — she is stronger now, yes. But she’s still Nanami. She’s too precious for that kind of hard work, too vulnerable. They’re all immortal, they’ve got holy weapons and years and years of experience. And she is a human. The image of his first love dying is anchored in his mind, too deep to unlearn it, no matter how hard he tries.

A few days ago, he had a dream about Yukiji. When he woke up, calling out a name, Nanami was right there, smiling at him softly. Whenever the past came to him like that, he would lay on her lap and hold her, letting himself be overcome with sentiment. He would like to do that right now. That it wasn’t a dream — the scent all too real, the sheets disturbed from where he’d been laying on top of them, the darkness in the room suffocating — did not really matter.

She will come back. She is not Mikage.

Tomoe sometimes can’t tell the difference, usually when the moon is full; when he’s barely awake or lost in thought. They both have such gentle touch, sometimes, and an aura full of light. But, in the end, Nanami shines so bright now, she would probably outshine even Mikage — with her kindness and sheer joy. She’s human, and there’s something so brisk about her that Tomoe never sees in gods and youkai. Maybe it’s because he loves her so much.

He thinks about that one, inevitable day, when he will not be able to say that she’ll come back. It’s fine. He cherishes what he’s able to have, even if it’s not forever. Youkai, after all, can die too.

On the third day, when he wakes up on the ground next to Nanami’s bed, he laughs to himself. Is this what Mikage meant for him to become when he left? Tomoe knows cruelty when he sees it. By heart.

The fox busies himself with cleaning and cooking and all these mundane chores that somehow helped him bear Mikage’s disappearance. As always. Every year when Nanami takes Mizuki to Izumo instead of him is the same. Same doubts, same memories, same methods of coping. They never really change.

As days go on, Tomoe starts to wonder; does she know? Does she feel his smell on her sheets the night when she comes back? He will make her favourite dishes, and she’ll laugh with an additional “Ah, I missed your cooking.” Not mentioning anything, not acknowledging that there’s been a stranger in her bedroom, missing her warmth so much that he went to look for it.

And he is looking thoroughly, solemnly. In the whole temple, her favourite spots, the bathrooms, the kitchen, the closets. Beautiful robes hang there, many of them given to her as gifts from dear friends. Everyday clothes lay on the shelves, stacked neatly by meticulous hands. Her smell is carried throughout the whole room, but the drawers and the bed are Tomoe’s favourites.

Kurama pops by on the fifth day, bringing a bottle of human alcohol and a bag of food. He does that, from time to time. Sometimes when Nanami’s gone and there’s just Tomoe and the two spirits in the temple, sometimes when the house is full and bustling. The fox accepts, although with a bit of reluctance. The tengu belongs with the human world, and it had been so sweet and so harsh with Tomoe. When Nanami is gone, he’s not sure if he wants anything more to do with it, ever. But she will come back, so he drinks with Kurama and they fight and then they sit in silence, because, when they take the matters outside, Tomoe notices a full moon.

It’s never good when he has to be without her on a full moon. Mikage’s stupid tradition has burned deep into him through these twenty years.

On the seventh day, he is restless. The whole temple is cleaned. It smells fresh, like spring and wind and being born. It is all the deity’s merit. Tomoe wouldn’t be able to do half of the work he does now if it weren’t for her power, steady and firm, washing over this place like a mountain stream.

He needs it back. By his side, as always. Needs her close. It’s been seven days. It’s not twenty years, but it’s still too long of a time for him to be lonely.

The fox thinks back to all these years when he roamed the world, free and young, the black-hearted demon, Akura-ou, at his side. Freedom had various faces. It was the smell of wet ground after heavy rain, sound of storm raging outside an abandoned hut, a thousand frightened faces melted into one, hot flames licking their master’s hands as they returned to him wet with blood, muscles flaring with pain and old injuries all healed over, a sword singing in his hand. It brought them joy. They were emperors, and their empire was the whole world. Their names were feared and hated. Always on the move, always chasing trouble and danger, _free_. So free.

Sometimes, when he is left alone for long enough, Tomoe thinks that maybe it would be better if they stayed like that forever, or if he died that day, when shadows entwined his body and soul. Now there is no coming back, no undoing all those years of Mikage’s taming. He’s changed. He is no longer his own god.

The gods he serves now could kill him for their own caprice and he would not raise a single finger to defend himself.

Tomoe snarls, kneeling on the floor of Nanami’s bedroom. He’s been domesticated, he thinks. Like a dog. It makes him shiver in something he cannot quite give a name to — or maybe doesn’t want to.

Next morning, Nanami comes back.

Tomoe doesn’t really need as much sleep as humans, so he is on the alert for most of the night. So, when the morning comes, he awaits. Quietly. Peacefully. Of course, he will not give away a single thing that’s been happening here in these past days and, of course, she will know anyway.

The temple spirits go first, their light steps tracing a beeline to the main gate. Then Mizuki’s voice reaches Tomoe’s ears; it’s honeyed, energetic and just on the verge of too loud. The fox pays no more attention to it than to a bird chirping in the forest or a butterfly sitting on top of his hand. Behind this voice is another one.

Tomoe’s ears twitch, and he’s up before he can even think about it. It’s her, she’s back.

The fox collects himself and walks out to greet his mistress. She smiles when she sees him. It feels like laying in a patch of warm sunlight after a long winter night. Tomoe can’t help but smile back, just a little, because everything feels right again and he is where he was always supposed to be.

“Tomoe!” Nanami calls out, waving.

Her energy surges over the whole place, like falling rain kisses the earth after a drought. The fox closes his eyes for a brief second, taking it in. She’s _back_. Finally.

Soon her arms wrap around his neck and he is flooded with her words. His hands find their usual spots at Nanami’s waist, but they move to her back and their bodies press against each other in an intimate manner. Their lips follow soon, a greeting that is much more suited to Tomoe’s liking. Nanami smells like travel, finds the fox, but only on the top. Underneath is still her sweetness, the warmth he’s been chasing for days and days on end.

Tomoe kisses her hair, burying his nose in it, letting his eyes close. Her hands tug at his sleeve, excitedly, and she laughs, and he’s finally home.


End file.
